This question came through to Ask Ms. Free a few months back. Sorry for the late post, but this is a good one.
The questions I ask myself is…Should I wait a little longer? Should I teach him? Is he worth it? Should I compromise?!
He is 33 year old Cancer. He adores me and he lets me know it; he’s very affectionate and I love it.
He tells me that I can speak to him about whatever is on my mind because he wants to make me happy. Overall, he’s a good guy and that’s where the confusion comes in. He is nurturing, pays for every single date, and will come all the way from Queens to Brooklyn if I need him.
BUT, when we first met one red flag that came up was that he admitted that he contradicts himself a lot and he does.
He talks about the future a lot (i.e. kids, careers, life together etc), but also says that he fears commitment because his parents didn’t make it. On the other hand, he does state that he wants to get married one day–see what I mean about the constant contradictions .
It’s been 3 months and things are starting to dwindle. This past Sunday, we had the ‘WHERE ARE WE GOING?” talk. He said I like you, I mean I don’t want it to fail, I mean that’s a chance we take but I’m taking it one day at a time…… really??? I don’t have one day at a time for a man to get all of me and I get nothing, so I stopped giving all of me. I don’t call as much. Recently, he mentioned that he wanted to come over for the holidays. HELL NO! I am not introducing someone to my family that isn’t my man.
I literally pay attention to what men say and do and he is making SLOW changes, but I’m still undecided. Should I deal/compromise and wait to see where this goes?
Give it to me raw and blunt! As you always do Chanel! : – /
Ms. Free says….
The first thing you need to do is revoke his Puss Pass immediately. I don’t care how good the “D” is–REVOKE IT!! If he’s afraid of commitment, then your afraid of giving your vagina away to random dudes who want the comfort of a woman’s arms and walls; but are too afraid to make her their one and only.
Why no sex?
Sex maintains emotional connections for women. It sounds like you need to take a huge step back and re-evaluate the situation. It is often difficult to make logical decisions while continuously engaging in sex with a person you are unsure of. Good sex can encourage you to make bad decisions.
Sex is the goal for men–its the treasure at the end of the rainbow. As long as a man is having sex with you on a regular basis he will try his best to keep those benefits without giving any more of himself.
If you worked at a job where you only had to work 1 day a week and they said all you have to do is “show up” and you will get excellent pay and great benefits. Would you offer to work 5 days a week for the same pay and benefits? No! You’d go in 1 day a week do your work and chill for the rest of the week because your job has set the expectations so low you won’t feel the need to do more or go above and beyond.
It’s the same with men. If all he has to do is take you out to a few nice dates, tell you how beautiful you are, come all the way from Queens to Brooklyn once or twice a week and in return he knows he’s getting to parade around with you on his arm, enjoy your wonderful company, and at the end of the night he is going to get to lay down next to you–all without a commitment.
Why do more? There is no need!
He’s getting all the benefits he needs and wants right now. He doesn’t see a need to place a title on your relationship or give any more of himself by even considering giving you a commitment because he’s “taking it one day at a time to see where it goes”.
Essentially, what he is really saying is…
I’m enjoying your company and having sex with you, but I don’t want a commitment.
So, I’m going to take it one day at a time and see how long I can continue to get these benefits without doing any more or less.
He will most definitely ride this bitch out till the wheels fall the fuck off or until, he finds some new/better pussy or until you get tired of playing the waiting game.
I understand that some guys are truly afraid of commitment and have legitimate hang ups from their childhood and past relationships, but if you are not ready to date then you shouldn’t be dating. If you wanna have a casual relationship without titles, then don’t talk about the possibility of having children with the girl your “not so sure about”. That shit has game with a capital “G” written all over it.
That’s what I like to call a CMF (Classic Mind Fuck) he is trying to see how far you will go, how much you will give, how deep your commitment will go; all while he does the minimum (i.e. dating you openly) and tries to bait car yo ass by setting you up with those fairytale lines about kids and white picket fence.
I don’t know if he really wants to have kids with you or not…its certainly possible. However, don’t talk about it unless you ready to go there…plain and simple. The fact that he talks about kids openly and also wants to invite himself to holiday dinners at your families house, but on the flip side when you guys have a real talk conversation about your relationship he is still undecided. Nah son…FUCK THAT! (Sorry the Brooklyn Girl from 1998 me came out).
He clearly isn’t ready for what you have to offer. I say, date him casually (no sex) and keep searching.