Ask Ms. Free: He’s Afraid of Commitment!

This question came through to Ask Ms. Free a few months back. Sorry for the late post, but this is a good one.

The questions I ask myself is…Should I wait a little longer? Should I teach him? Is he worth it? Should I compromise?!

confused

He is 33 year old Cancer. He adores me and he lets me know it; he’s very affectionate and I love it.

He tells me that I can speak to him about whatever is on my mind because he wants to make me happy. Overall, he’s a good guy and that’s where the confusion comes in. He is nurturing, pays for every single date, and will come all the way from Queens to Brooklyn if I need him.

BUT, when we first met one red flag that came up was that he admitted that he contradicts himself a lot and he does.

He talks about the future a lot (i.e. kids, careers, life together etc), but also says that he fears commitment because his parents didn’t make it. On the other hand, he does state that he wants to get married one day–see what I mean about the constant contradictions .

It’s been 3 months and things are starting to dwindle. This past Sunday, we had the ‘WHERE ARE WE GOING?” talk. He said I like you, I mean I don’t want it to fail, I mean that’s a chance we take but I’m taking it one day at a time…… really??? I don’t have one day at a time for a man to get all of me and I get nothing, so I stopped giving all of me. I don’t call as much. Recently, he mentioned that he wanted to come over for the holidays. HELL NO! I am not introducing someone to my family that isn’t my man.

I literally pay attention to what men say and do and he is making SLOW changes, but I’m still undecided. Should I deal/compromise and wait to see where this goes?

Give it to me raw and blunt! As you always do Chanel! : – /

Ms. Free says….

The first thing you need to do is revoke his Puss Pass immediately. I don’t care how good the “D” is–REVOKE IT!! If he’s afraid of commitment, then your afraid of giving your vagina away to random dudes who want the comfort of a woman’s arms and walls; but are too afraid to make her their one and only.33

Why no sex?

Sex maintains emotional connections for women. It sounds like you need to take a huge step back and re-evaluate the situation. It is often difficult to make logical decisions while continuously engaging in sex with a person you are unsure of. Good sex can encourage you to make bad decisions.

Sex is the goal for men–its the treasure at the end of the rainbow. As long as a man is having sex with you on a regular basis he will try his best to keep those benefits without giving any more of himself.

Think about…

If you worked at a job where you only had to work 1 day a week and they said all you have to do is “show up” and you will get excellent pay and great benefits. Would you offer to work 5 days a week for the same pay and benefits? No! You’d go in 1 day a week do your work and chill for the rest of the week because your job has set the expectations so low you won’t feel the need to do more or go above and beyond.

It’s the same with men. If all he has to do is take you out to a few nice dates, tell you how beautiful you are, come all the way from Queens to Brooklyn once or twice a week and in return he knows he’s getting to parade around with you on his arm, enjoy your wonderful company, and at the end of the night he is going to get to lay down next to you–all without a commitment.

Why do more? There is no need!

He’s getting all the benefits he needs and wants right now. He doesn’t see a need to place a title on your relationship or give any more of himself by even considering giving you a commitment because he’s “taking it one day at a time to see where it goes”.

Essentially, what he is really saying is…

I’m enjoying your company and having sex with you, but I don’t want a commitment.
So, I’m going to take it one day at a time and see how long I can continue to get these benefits without doing any more or less.

He will most definitely ride this bitch out till the wheels fall the fuck off or until, he finds some new/better pussy or until you get tired of playing the waiting game.

I understand that some guys are truly afraid of commitment and have legitimate hang ups from their childhood and past relationships, but if you are not ready to date then you shouldn’t be dating. If you wanna have a casual relationship without titles, then don’t talk about the possibility of having children with the girl your “not so sure about”. That shit has game with a capital “G” written all over it.

That’s what I like to call a CMF (Classic Mind Fuck) he is trying to see how far you will go, how much you will give, how deep your commitment will go; all while he does the minimum (i.e. dating you openly) and tries to bait car yo ass by setting you up with those fairytale lines about kids and white picket fence.

I don’t know if he really wants to have kids with you or not…its certainly possible. However, don’t talk about it unless you ready to go there…plain and simple. The fact that he talks about kids openly and also wants to invite himself to holiday dinners at your families house, but on the flip side when you guys have a real talk conversation about your relationship he is still undecided. Nah son…FUCK THAT! (Sorry the Brooklyn Girl from 1998 me came out).

He clearly isn’t ready for what you have to offer. I say, date him casually (no sex) and keep searching.

~Ms. Free

Don’t Shop For Love in the Clearance Section!

LoveForSale5[1]

There is a growing trend where women are settling for Mr. Right Now and hoping that one day he will turn into Mr. Right. Hoping, wishing, and praying to the gods above that by some extraordinary miracle the man who said he would leave his wife, the man who was afraid of commitment, and the man with three baby mamas would somehow transform into the man of her dreams.

I know that people can change, but what I don’t understand is why some women cannot accept reality. When a man has shown you that he is not capable of being the partner you need and desire, why keep trying? That’s insane.

Would you go into a supermarket and buy a banana and hope that one day it turns into the pineapple you really wanted? No! You go to the store with your list and get what you need not just any old thing sitting on the shelf with a clearance tag. The key to finding a mate that may eventually become the man you’ve always dreamed of is to never settle. Don’t allow yourself to settle for the love that is on the clearance rack just because there doesn’t appear to be any other viable options.

You are worth more than that! You’re worth the search, the struggle, and the fight. If you want a quality man you gotta stop thinking cheap and be willing to spend your time searching for a partner. Giving up only leads to giving in and giving in to something/someone you know is not right for you, which is worse than being alone.

Men don’t shop for their wives in the clearance section. They only shop at the bargain bin when they want to smash and dash. Because they know that when  it comes to finding a good women you most definitely won’t find her at a discount—to get her it will take time, money, and lots and lots of effort.

I know the search can be hard and tiresome, but don’t give up! Those cheap impulse purchases are the ones you end up regretting the most.

~Ms. Free

Ask Ms. Free: He Said She’s Just A Friend…

Dear Ms. Free,

About a year ago, I began dating this guy. We went on a date last year right before New Years and things were going–ok I guess. Well, I really like him, but things seemed to die down after our date. 

He works a lot and so do I. It seemed like our schedules never allowed us the time to see each other . Although, we both worked a lot, I thought about him often and would reach out to him whenever he crossed my mind. 
 
About a month ago, we started communicating more and things were moving in the right direction. He invited me to a football party he was having at his house, which really surprised me because I had not seen him face-to-face in almost a year. I was glad he thought of me. Not to mention, he knows I don’t watch football so he obviously wanted to spend time with me. 
 
The vibe at the party was cool. Everyone was have a great time, eating, drinking, and watching the game.  I noticed that he was spending a good amount of time sitting next to one chick having a long conversation–talking about more than just football. I thought to myself “Did he invite me to this party knowing he is dating someone else?” 
just a friend
 
I held in my anger and questions until the end of the party. Once we were alone I asked him about her and he said that they dated briefly years ago and stopped because she wanted more of a commitment and he wasn’t ready.  He assured me that they were no longer dealing with each other and I left it at that. 
 
Weeks later, I am on Facebook and see a picture of him and the same girl from the football party on his timeline–a recent picture and from the looks of it they were more than friends. I mean they weren’t kissing or anything, BUT the picture looked like the type of picture you and your man would take. 
 
I immediately text him and tell him “Where through!” no explanation or anything. My friend says that I am wrong for cutting him off, but I feel like I have given him numerous chances over the past year to take me out. There were times I call and text and get nothing in return. 
 
I am just tired of trying with this guy and the picture of him and his “friend” put the nail in the coffin. 
 
Am I wrong? Am I overreacting? 
Ms. Free says…

I think you are absolutely RIGHT to fall back from him completely. There is nothing like the female instinct and if it looks like fish and smells fishy–its probably FISH! Who knows if he and this girl are still dating/screwing or whatever.

At this point, that is not your concern. Your concern is…

 whether or not he is focused on dating you and potentially building something; whether or not you should continue to spend your time and energy dating/pursuing a guy that is not fully into you. 

He may be a great person, father, and all of the above, BUT if he aint doing right by you meaning

A. Not being exclusive, but at least giving you the courtesy of only dating you to be able to see where it goes and then make a decision

 B. Telling you the whole truth about his “relationship” with this chick

 C. Showing more interest in YOU than you are for him (you said that you felt like you had really been trying i.e. keeping in contact without getting a response at times).

I mention this not because you are wrong to stay in contact with someone who you think has great potential and is fun to be around. But, I am a firm believer that the man should do the chasing, no questions asked. If he aint chasing me in some way or another, I aint NEVA CHECKING FOR HIM–and here’s why:

Men are hunters (I’m sure you’ve heard this before) and its 100% TRUE! If he aint chasing you in some way he is either not interested or exploring other options. This means that he gets ABSOLUTELY NONE of your attention until he initiates the chase.

I hope this helps!

~Ms. Free

Ask Ms. Free

 

Interested in asking me for advice?!  Click on the link Ask Ms. Free NOW and complete the form. Be sure to put ASK MS. FREE in the subject line.

It’s The Season For Giving!

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As the holidays quickly approach, the feeling of gift giving and receiving is in the air and on the television (all those Christmas toy commercials are driving my kids insane, lol).

I like to think I am a great giver, but I try not to focus all of my attention on giving just because of the holidays. I believe that giving should be something that we do all year round.

However, as it gets colder and colder out, I can’t help but think of all of the underserved children that don’t have suitable clothing (coats, hats, gloves, and scarfs) to keep them warm.

A new and innovative non-profit agency Nani’s House has taken on the task of collecting coats for  children this winter.

If you are interested in donating to this cause in the Tri-state area (NY, NJ, DMV) please contact the CEO and Founder of Nani’s House Pamela Seldon.

I encourage all of my readers and followers to get involved on some level. Even if you don’t think you can help–think again! Everyone has something to give, whether it is time, money, resources, or just a helping hand.

If you are interested in donating in the Atlanta, GA area please contact Ms. Free at msfree@msfreeunleashed.com 

 

~Ms. Free

 

 

 

Mamas Losing It–Part I

losing it

Welcome to the end of the beginning.  Five long years of hard work and dedication were all ending abruptly. Its not as though she hadn’t planned for this–she knew very well that it was coming.

Mama is one calculated DIVA. She loves to plan and doesn’t go shopping without a list. Hell, she doesn’t do anything without a to-do list.

Yet somehow today, she was totally unprepared. On the outside she looked great; even the rent-a-cop at Walgreens was stunned by her beauty–doing a double take and stopping her just to tell her how beautiful she was.

Mama loved to be flattered. A man flattering her was like a sprinkle of gold fairy dust that brought some magical shit into her day. On this day however, Mama was such an emotional wreck that the magic fairy dust had lost its power.

Her love/hate relationship with change was making it hard for her to move on. Most of the time she operated on auto pilot. Focused and determined, she didn’t have the time to waste crying over the spilled milk of life which manifests as heartache, betrayal, disappointment, and so on.

As she sat on her bed, the sounds of the first day of summer played in the background while the sun beamed in on her brown skin. Her breath was rapid, hands sweating, thoughts racing, heart palpitating. She thought, “What’s happening to me? Why can’t I pull myself together? Why can’t I pull myself out of this?”

Suddenly, the sounds of summer faded and the loud cries of her needy children pierced her ears. Just as she was about to jump into action. She heard someone say…

“Call a doctor…Mamas losing it!”

~Ms. Free

Dear Brooklyn…

Did Ya Miss Me?! *Vernell Hill Voice* 

Vernell Hill

I know I’ve been gone for awhile, I know I’ve been silent–almost non-existent on many of my social networks and especially on my blog.

Sometimes, you just gotta take a break from the world so you can get your mind right.  

And that’s exactly what I had to do. Actually, I didn’t choose to take a break; GOD forced me too.

In April of this year the direction of my life changed abruptly and unexpectedly. Jay received a job offer in Atlanta that he could not refuse.  

Not wanting to leave Brooklyn was an understatement for me; I was literally kicking and screaming at the thought of leaving my beloved hood. How could I tell Jay to turn down a job, especially after two long years of unemployment paired with several false starts and early terminations in other industries?

The crazy thing is that I didn’t realize how attached I had become to Brooklyn until it was time for me to pack up and leave. Damn, I was really in a NY State of Mind. So much so that I would not even consider leaving–even if it meant providing a better life for myself and my family.

The concrete jungle that raised me was suddenly keeping me from my destiny, keeping me from a better life. It’s funny how we allow certain people, places, and things to become imbedded into our identity.

I cried buckets of tears and spent many sleepless nights pondering how to cope with leaving everything and everyone that I loved–my career as a counselor/educator, my friends, and above all, my city.

I have always been a career woman. I’ve been employed since August 4th, 2002. Climbing my way up through the ranks, building my status as an Independent black woman. Leaving NY meant giving all of that up–or so I thought. I struggled with the idea of having to depend on Jay for my every need. And it scared the hell out of me!

You see, over the years I’ve developed what I like to call IBWS or “Independent Black Woman Syndrome.”

The symptoms of this disorder include

 

1. Stank Attitude (may be accompanied by a permanent duck face, screw face, or stone face)

2.  “I can do bad all by myself” mentality 

3. Delusions of being some sort of super hero: Wonder Woman, Super Woman, or Olivia Pope (choose one)

4. Inability to ask for and receive help (especially from a man), but frequently giving help to them–leaving you depleted. 

Is this you?

It was certainly me and still is to a certain extent, but I’m a work in progress. I’m learning to trust the man I love–something my childhood experiences didn’t prepare me for, since my father was absent the majority of the time and still is (smh). 

But, I digress!

I’ve been here for almost three months and doing well, grinding in silence, working on building my empire. I currently have two book deals and will be officially launching my life coaching company in 2014.

 

 I’ve been taking meds for my IBWS which include: 

  1. daily reality check
  2. prayer
  3. 5 am boot camp workouts in the park 
  4. having an attitude of gratitude (no matter what the circumstances look like)
  5. Spending time quality time with the family
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Whoa! That was a lot to get out, but it feels good to be back and writing to y’all.
Have you ever been through this? Taken a leap of faith and lived to tell about it?
Share your story with me. I’d love to hear it.

~Ms. Free

You’re a Side Chic Because Secretly You Don’t Think You’re Good Enough

If you find yourself wishing Facebook had a relationship status called “side chic” then you are too comfortable in your role as mistress, jump off, or whatever you like to call yourself.  The truth is that you don’t think you are good enough to be his one and only.

You would rather pick up the scraps left from someone else’s relationship or marriage, as opposed to taking the time to find a man that is fully committed to you, not just when he is backed up because the woman he is married to won’t have sex with him. Unknown

You don’t believe you are worthy, so, you settle. You tell yourself that the money he gives you, the lavish dates, the weekly visits, and the bills he pays makes up for the fact that he is using you.

Maybe, it seems like hoes be winning.  Kim Kardashian found fame after the release of her sex tape with D-list rapper Ray J. Audiences glamorize characters like Olivia Pope of the hit series Scandal who, has an on-again, off-again affair with the married president, but readily rejects single men who offer her the love, respect, and commitment she deserves. The media attention given to these women/characters has y’all thinking that it’s ok to go out there and be a hoe or a home wrecker.

I hear you sucking your teeth right now–you’re mad because I read you.  The truth hurts.

Stop the bullshit! You are valuable, whether you think so or not. You are the prize. You are worthy of a man’s FULL attention and the fact that you don’t command it makes it clear that you don’t believe you deserve it.

You are NOT a toy so stop treating yourself like one, or better yet allowing others to treat you like you are disposable.

Wake up! This is not a reality show. The likelihood of your side chic /jump off status making you an overnight celebrity is slim to none. Nine times out of 10 he won’t leave his wife and commit to you.  If he wants you, he should earn you by making you his one and only.

~Ms. Free

Every Girl Deserves A Father!!

j0258297You are probably thinking that this is another sappy, grab–a box of Kleenex Father’s Day posts…

Well, it IS so get over it, lol!

All jokes aside, after the events that happened in my life this week I couldn’t let Father’s Day go by without sharing my thoughts on the necessity of father-daughter relationships.

Growing up, I was like many other kids coming from a single parent home, where my father was non-existent. My biological father was not around. I did have a loving step father who treated me like his own child, but I always felt like something was missing, well not something—someone.

It’s weird, as a child you want what you don’t have, but you have no idea why. I remember looking at my friends with their fathers and wondering what my life would be like if my father was with me. Strangely, I was never angry with him. Even in my young age, I just accepted his absence—maybe I thought it was normal.

The truth is, I learned to settle (which wrecked havoc on my relationships in adulthood), to do without certain things, and people. I was bred to be a leader and a strong black woman in training who didn’t rely on anyone else. A boss chic in the making—fearless, ambitious, with street and book smarts. I assumed this role proudly and still do today.

Despite all the good that has come out of that situation, I often wonder what my life would have been like if my dad was around during those delicate formative years where young girls look up to their dad’s like Gods, admire how they treat their moms, and pray that when they meet their prince charming, he will be like her dad and more.

Fortunately, my dad and I were able to build a bond during my teen years and are still close til this day. Not close, like other girls and their fathers, but close in our own way. We don’t speak every day, we don’t even speak weekly, but when we do, it’s all love. I know that if I am in a bind, my dad will be right by my side without hesitation. Sometimes, it makes me cry because it feels so good to be protected and know that he is there. Weird, huh?! A 30+ year old feeling like a 10 year old calling to her dad to kiss an invisible boo boo.

Life is funny. In a perfect world all parents would be fully engaged from start to finish, but that’s not reality. Life happens and shit happens. As an adult, the man I once day dreamed about is my biggest supporter and always ready to share humble loving advice.

I would have never thought that things would have turned out this way. My Dad and me…his First Flower. Yup, that’s what he calls me, actually that’s what he named me. My middle name is Kai and it means First Flower.

Goes to show you that anything in life can and will happen, one must be open to the possibilities. You don’t know who you are going to need and when. All girls deserve a father, at any age and stage of life.

Happy Father’s Day!!

~Ms. Free

All Y’all So Called “Bad Chics” Need to Sit Down!!!

Errybody out here screaming bout they a Bad Chic, but what does being a Bad Chic really mean? We have been trained by pop culture to connect beauty with the images frequently shown in music videos, TV, and magazines. When most people think of the term Bad Chic they immediately think of a woman who has a svelte body, beautiful face, glowing skin, “good” hair–seemingly perfect; an illusion of sorts that many aspire to be.

A true B.A.D. C.H.I.C. is not defined by her outer beauty. She understands that beauty is an important part of the equation, but it is NOT the ONLY part of the equation–because after all beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Her inner beauty is what makes her most desirable. Her intelligence, her ability to know her worth, claim her values proudly, and hold them close to her heart–makes her Bad and Bitchy all at the same time. 

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Bad Chics are self aware and have an undeniable quiet confidence.  She doesn’t look for validation from other sources. She is quite content being the author of her own book and the star of her own movie. However, her ego is not so inflated that she can’t be a supporting actress or co-star to a man/woman that proves he/she deserves her love and adoration.

BOLD! As bold as the words on this page–the essence of who she is shines through in everything she says and does. Setting her apart from the rest of the mediocre chicks who think they are superstars based on how many followers they have on instagram and twitter. Her deep self awareness allows her to publicly and privately embrace her strengths and weaknesses.

Constantly working on her flaws as if it were a well paying day job–paying in the form of personal growth and overall satisfaction. The Bad Chic does not strive for perfection because she knows that perfection is not real. Her acceptance of her perfectly imperfect status helps her remain grounded and down to earth. Intelligent and confident enough to own her failures and realize that without those same failures she may not have experienced growth.

 She is…The Total Package.

~Ms. Free

Don’t Shop For Love in the Clearance Section!

LoveForSale5[1]

There is a growing trend where women are settling for Mr. Right Now and hoping that one day he will turn into Mr. Right. Hoping, wishing, and praying to the gods above that by some extraordinary miracle the man who said he would leave his wife, the man who was afraid of commitment, and the man with three baby mamas would somehow transform into the man of her dreams.

I know that people can change, but what I don’t understand is why some women cannot accept reality. When a man has shown you that he is not capable of being the partner you need and desire, why keep trying? That’s insane.

Would you go into a supermarket and buy a banana and hope that one day it turns into the pineapple you really wanted? No! You go to the store with your list and get what you need not just any old thing sitting on the shelf with a clearance tag. The key to finding a mate that may eventually become the man you’ve always dreamed of is to never settle. Don’t allow yourself to settle for the love that is on the clearance rack just because there doesn’t appear to be any other viable options.

You are worth more than that! You’re worth the search, the struggle, and the fight. If you want a quality man you gotta stop thinking cheap and be willing to spend your time searching for a partner. Giving up only leads to giving in and giving in to something/someone you know is not right for you, which is worse than being alone.

Men don’t shop for their wives in the clearance section. They only shop at the bargain bin when they want to smash and dash. Because they know that when  it comes to finding a good women you most definitely won’t find her at a discount—to get her it will take time, money, and lots and lots of effort.

I know the search can be hard and tiresome, but don’t give up! Those cheap impulse purchases are the ones you end up regretting the most.

~Ms. Free